1095 Days

It's hard to believe that March 24 marks that I've lived 1095 days without Jon.
1095 nights I laid my head on a pillow without hearing the words "I love you" coming from the man I love.
1095 mornings that I woke up without the sound of his voice in our home.
1095 reasons to live.

As I thought about this day coming, I began to take a journey to see what God has done for me in these 1095 days. I found something I journaled not to long ago:

"Sometimes in the darkest part of the morning, I feel the unshakable, undeniable realization that I am being held. It's then that my mind isn't fully awake. It's then that I'm not reasoning. It's then that I'm the most vulnerable. That's when the loving, caring arms of God are wrapped around me and I can hear the faint sound of a love song being sung over me. It brings peace to my soul and hope to my heart.

I encountered one of these moments the other morning. The day and the night before were painful. So much so, it effected my ability to take in the simple air we breathe. For the first time in my life I felt the heaviness of my heart as it tried to pump the blood source of life thru my body. I felt the emptiness in my soul as if life organs within me were being torn out. And it was in this moment I felt the loving arms of God so tightly wrapped around me. It was as if, while lying in my bed I was falling thousands of feet and He caught me. I found out in the weeks and months to come that it was despair that I wanted to fall into. It was the pit Joseph was thrown in, the hopelessness the widow and her sons felt, it was the loneliness the woman at the well faced.
But God.
God wrapped His arms around me. I felt His life come into my dead situation. I felt him breathe for my lack of breath. I felt Him lift heaviness from my soul. And in a moment He showed me what was outside of the despair. He showed me my kids needing not only me but the God in me. He showed me a generation still needing a voice to cry out for them, He showed me souls that needed to be won. He showed me what it felt like, really felt like to have peace that surpasses understanding."

I know what Jon lived for. I know we committed ourselves to living out the purpose God has for us.
On day 1096 I will still miss Jon. But I know I'm not alone. I know God is with me. I know God is for me. I know He is faithful.

Yes

"I've waited my whole life for you. Will you marry me?"

These were the words Jonathan said to me as he knelt on one knee, on the edge of a cliff in La Jolla. Those words burned into my heart forever. Although the waves were loud as they crashed the rocks, they couldn't drown out the intense beating of my heart. I knew my "yes" had the power to change me forever and it did.

November 14, 1998. I stood on the edge of the ocean with the man I loved, and started a life of living out my "yes". It wasn't just my name that changed, it was my heart and my destiny. My life was engulfed with fresh vision, new hope and true love. When we rode away from the Hotel Del Coronado and all our friends and family, Jon shared some things with me I'll never forget and are too private to share. Then he asked me one simple question "Are you ready for this?" and I only answered "Yes."

My life today is different than I had dreamed of. Because of God's faithfulness I still have vision, I still have hope and I still have love.
Today, I have memories of that day and I share them alone, and no matter how hard it is or how lonely I may feel, I'm still living out my "yes".

Love, hearts & cards.

I recently came across some Valentines Day, Mothers Day, Birthday & Just Because cards that Jonathan had given to me. Some were store bought, some handmade and there was even one was in Spanish (Jon's humor). The recurring theme in them all was the loud statement that I was loved.
Jon loved me. Every card he purchased, every picture he drew, every word he wrote was hand crafted to express his love for me. I remember how he would carefully watch my face as I read the card. My reaction was his gift. My tears, my smile, my laughter always sealed for him that he touched my heart. As I look through these symbolic gestures of expressed love, the pain of knowing another one will never be written by his hand is real. The emptiness is my heart is painful. The hope in my spirit in overwhelming. In this moment I'm concentrating on the simple fact that as much as Jon loved me. His desire was always for me to love God more than anything. More than him, more than our kids, more than life.
Today I'm thankful for that. It makes sense to me now: when Jon went to heaven, I lost my great love but I didn't lose the One I loved most. He is still with me.